Up again....

It is becoming habit to be up in the middle of the night. Normally I am getting up at 4:30 and can't go back to sleep... tonight is the opposite. I can't seem to get to sleep. I have been thinking of the friends in my life that have passed through, and the friends that are beginning to be in my life.

My dad used to tell me that I had no idea what a friend was because I had to many (or because I called everyone friend...I don't remember which). He would tell me that you will only have enough true friends to count on your fingers, and probably only on one hand. He also said that the way to tell if they are a true friend is if you would wake up at 2am when they called asking for help and you give it. He said you didn't need to know why but you would hand over the keys to your car and 200 dollars, and go back to sleep. I think as an adult I realize that it's not that I wouldn't want to know more it's that I didn't need to know more.

I was sitting on the couch with a 'friend' today and we didn't have to talk to fill the space. We knew that if either of us wanted to talk we could however it was okay just to be there as support. I know that I have had few people come through my life that I could say that I enjoyed a quiet time with.

I am so tired of making friends (giving my heart) and then feeling like it's being ripped away. I have had to many people in my life go away. Some through life changes (teenager to adult, single to married), some through idea changes, and some through distance. Tonight I'm thinking of a special friend that was only in my life for a short time however she was special and I hope that somewhere God lets her know that she is special. I have been a yucky friend to some, and a distant friend to others, however I have always tried to be a friend through it all.

Proverbs 17:17 says "Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble" (the Message). Since my friends are my family I hope to find a mix of both. I am always searching for friends, however I wonder if I will ever be able to find a true friend? I'm trying to learn to turn to God as my first friend.... but it's a baby step process right now!